Understanding

Each and every time I write I leave it all down on the page, but also when I write especially on here it opens up even more emotion than I can physically express down on a page.

In this moment I still have more to say…

I wrote that last article as a passing statement, it took me 10 minutes to write because its something that has been in my thoughts for awhile now.

And as I shared that statement and then copied and created it into an article, something dawned on me.

I wrote within it a passage stating that many people have come into my life just as many people have gone.

One of the reasons so many people left was because they didn’t understand.

They didn’t understand depression, just as many thought they did and thought it was their place to tell me how I felt.

For those that don’t know, nobody knows what anyone else thinks.

It doesn’t matter if you are struggling with your mental health or not.

No one, absolutely no one knows how you feel.

They can sympathise, they can relate, but no one knows the workings of another human beings brain and thought process.

Absolutely no one!

Many people didn’t understand why I chose to write about my experience with depression and mental health.

Some have since changed their opinion and have seen how much it helps me.

Some still to this day don’t understand, they think it would better to write it down and not share it for the world to see.

Why did I do it?

Because it was right for me.

Almost 3 years ago I was in a position whereby I had come crashing down, broken, desperately broken and no idea how I could possibly fix myself when in the biggest reality I had no idea what was wrong in the first place.

I had a mind that felt like it wasn’t my own anymore, to feel helpless that you weren’t in control anymore, and that is truly petrifing beyond belief.

When family and friends tell you they will always be there for you, your family will always be there for you, and although I will always be grateful to them for the compassion, kindness and love they show, sometimes your family is just too close to unload all of your problems too, especially when you don’t know what is wrong yourself.

When it comes to your close friends, at that time I wished I had the courage to reach out, the many times I scrolled up and down my phone, over and over again, thinking who won’t judge me, who will understand, who will help me and then dismissing everyone because you can’t ruin someone else’s day.

That’s why when I talk about mental health now, and champion it, because believe me it is so, so important, you may just save a life.

It’s more than just encouraging the person to talk and open up, it’s more about society.

Anyone will reach out to anyone they love, like or care about once they know they are struggling.

But we as individuals need to take the pressure off those people who are suffering and reach out more, to talk about mental health more, to be more understanding and be more compassionate.

I did it the hard way, and sometimes, maybe most times in my life that’s the way I often do things.

But there is always an easier way to having the same life, the same control as the people you wish you were or the people you aspire to be.

The reason I write is because it gives me my control back, it gives me a release and it’s good for me that I do it.

Each article I write it allows me to get all of my emotions out, to write it all down and then do nothing with it, for me, I’ll be hiding it all away.

For me, that isn’t healthy, rewind 3 years ago and all the many other years I suffered in silence.

I couldn’t trust my mind, I constantly had to try and block out my thoughts, by writing especially at those times early in the morning 3am, 4am, when nobody is awake, I had to get my emotions out when I simply couldn’t sleep.

Every single word I wrote my blackness of my mind screamed at me not to go on.

No one would understand you.

Getting to an end, and my heart was pounding, I was sweating and eyes were full of tears, as they dripped down my face.

I chose to press publish.

And for me it was the best thing I ever did.

It helped me to gain some control, it helped me to understand, it helped with my recovery, and to this day each article I write, post and share helps me to process what a truly awful illness mental health is.

My closing statement to this is:

What you chose to do and the way you express yourself is yours to do.

It’s not about how anyone else thinks, stay true to you.

My Life

It will come as no surprise to many that I’ve changed a lot inside the last 4 years.

From developing a creative side to my life that may well have always been there, deep inside of me waiting to be discovered, or something that I stumbled upon just through chance and having a go.

From writing, to promoting, from promoting to presenting and producing, to understanding life and the true value of time, that each of us waste so much of it on excuses of why we don’t have enough of it to achieve everything that we’d like to do with it.

Inside 4 years I’ve discovered a more compassionate side to me, we are all different, we all have our own pressures, our own strengths and each one of us are capable of a lot more than we think we are.

We have to place trust in ourselves and back ourselves to deliver, because quite frankly we all can.

I’ve changed a lot in 4 years, people have come into my life, a lot of people, and equally a lot of people have gone, I’ve learnt valuable lessons throughout it all.

The people who have remained, I have strengthed those relationships like never before.

In 4 years I’ve developed as a person, but as the writing started 4 years ago, that’s not where my biggest changes came from.

I said right at the start that it will come as no surprise that I’ve changed a lot in 4 years, it will come as a surprise to many in relation to time that everything changed almost 3 years ago.

My timeline in the next couple of weeks will have flashbacks to depression, a moment in time whereby I spiralled out of control and crashed literally.

3 years ago it may seem a long time ago, but memories and anniversaries will never go away, they will always be etched in your mind.

In 4 years I’ve changed, in 3 years I’ve changed too.

To lose your mind and then try and piece it back, piece by piece not only takes time, but a hell of a lot of patience, which breeds frustration.

You need to trust yourself when nothing feels real anymore, even when you know you can’t trust what your mind is trying to tell you.

But we are strong, I’m strong, I have a will and a determination to see me through the darkness and back into the light and remain there.

I’m capable of absolutely anything because in 4 years and in 3 years I’ve shown it.

One thing back then, I had a dream like scenerio was to find full time employment to offset the passions I had discovered in my life in those 3 years.

And now I’ve found it, I’ve been full-time for 5 months in a progressive and growing company that not only know about my past but are encouraging of me to keep talking about it.

No person can describe themselves as confident, there are different levels of confidence that breeds from everything we do to the things that we haven’t yet tried.

Experience breeds confidence.

We are all capable of anything, follow your passions, work hard and then change your lives, just as I have.

Preconceptions

Every entry I make on here I always state that I should write more.

I feel at my most free’d after I write and get everything out of my head.

But having once written in the moment especially within here I feel restricted to keep doing that anymore.

I don’t know why that is.

Life for me is better overall, last night I seeked out some counselling, that was the first time I’ve spoken to a professional in that field since I had counselling after first being diagnosed with depression back in 2016.

Back then I recall the anxiety of it all, stepping into the unknown, talking about all of my feelings, emotions and a build up of life.

To coming out drained.

Sleeping for 24 hours and more.

And then trying to make any sense of it all and fearing going back until all of a sudden it did start making sense.

Back then all it took was 3 sessions, and although last night was an informative chat, I seeked that conversation out because I felt I needed it.

Not because I felt I was slipping back, because I know I’m growing forward and it’s important to keep levelling off.

The chat was all it really was, I realised before I even attended the answers to all of my questions.

Like writing more within here, as hard as I seem to find it at the moment I need to find a way to do it, and do it regularly.

I need to look back, right back to the start to remember, to reassure myself, to acknowledge how much I’ve grown and take personal pride of that.

Each entry that I’ve written tells its own story, but together it tells me my own.

I need to read them.

I’ve read them before, some I’ve read more than once, but I can’t remember the last time I’ve read them in order, but by doing so I may just find the answers I’m clearly looking for.

Last night was informative and helpful, I fully expected to feel wiped out afterwards, and go home and sleep until my alarm, but I didn’t.

In one sense I felt calm, and in another I felt quite lost, and I haven’t felt lost for a long time.

And this is probably a good time to explain the title of preconceptions.

The real frustrating part of my life of which I mentioned last night is this.

The preconceptions that life has hold of you.

You should never worry about what other people think, but sometimes you can’t help it either.

I get asked every single day off every single person who knows me “How are you?”

It’s partly a how are you in a friendly nature but with a lying undertone of but are you?

Even though I’m through depression, I feel like I can’t publically say I’m having a bad day anymore.

Because the label that is on me drives the depression tag.

Everyone has bad days.

Another preconception is once you feel better and can carry on with your life again, that means you are fixed.

Wrong.

Each morning when you wake up, you have to make a slight adjustment to your internal settings.

I know my triggers, not in a sense of individually knowing what they are, but knowing that when that first pang of anxiety hits, I now know I need to adjust or stop, before the bigger waves come crashing down and take me out completely.

Depression will always be a part of my life, for all the darkness, uncertainty and sheer pain it has also galvanised me into the person who has managed to find a way through it.

But not without sacrifices.

You change completely, your life to how you once lived is stripped right back to its core.

I’ve mentioned before, it’s like going to bed and then waking up not knowing who you are anymore, the memories you have are clouded and don’t feel real anymore.

You are completely lost in your own mind, and believe me it’s so, so tough to try and find a way back.

Another thing I am asked a lot about more currently than anything is what is going on in my life.

My job, my hobbies.

And if I am enjoying it?

My answer is very much reserved, I go quiet, I ponder my answer, I pause, I suppose.

It sounds to the person who asked that I’m probably not.

But it’s not that, I just don’t allow myself to get overexcited any more, and that’s not every time, because I know I do, but as I’m growing again and looking to level off, and continue to keep levelling off, I don’t want my emotions to get in the way.

I’ve been meaning to write on here for weeks, my last entry was in May.

I came home last night and thought about writing to clear my head, but my words just didn’t form.

And it really frustrates me when I can’t, as like I said I feel free once I have done, so here’s hoping it has the right effect on me today.

Right here, right in the moment I’m laid in bed, the sun has been streaming in through my window ever since I penned the first word.

Today is going to be a good day, and not because the sun is shining, it’s because I’m alive, and life is all about living.

Progress

I’ve come a long way…

Feel the Fear

Each and every time I post within this blog I realise that I’ve broken my promise.

My promise to myself was to write more frequently, not only about my progress from depression but my continuing recovery.

I’ve failed or have I?

In all honesty yes and no.

It might be a good reason or explanation on why I’ve not sat down and penned a more detailed assessment of my life through depression in a book format.

Because at times mental health, it’s just so difficult to write about.

Writing for me has been a growing passion, and in equal amounts of loving it, I equally fear it too.

Writing, once written, provides me with a sense of relief and achievement all at the same time.

Before it, frustration, self-doubt and anxiety.

Today’s article has been waiting patiently to be written, but when and only I was ready.

The problem being I was scared to write it, scared to express my emotions down on a page, despite doing it time and time before it.

Sometimes you just have to remember why you started things in the first place.

Writing has helped me just as much as the doctors and counsellors did.

That ability to open up and leave everything out on the page.

Write for yourself and no one else, it’s a personal journey, one that I needed to voice, and it maybe written in a format for the world to see, but it’s not written for the world to judge. 

Black behind my eyes is exactly how I felt in those dark moments of depression, others relate it to a black dog and each to their own on how we all describe it.

All I know is it’s one of the worst illnesses I’ve ever experienced and wouldn’t wish it on anyone, as it is that bad.

I sincerely hope you never have to find out.

Yesterday a flashback appeared against something I had written 12 months ago, I felt it beneficial to include it in this blog article today.

“Depression is one of the hardest things to explain especially when you don’t fully understand it yourself.

When you feel your just starting to turn corners your self doubt is so high it just hits you, whilst your self confidence is at an all time low.

I feel like I have no identity because the things I once held so close and my passions have disappeared with it.

I found writing to not only be a great release but I held it as a passion and right now through fear I may never write again.

The last few days prove to me no matter how much I want it, or how much I need it, I’m far from ready.

But I’ll always have hope, and by hiding away solves nothing, no matter how hard each day can seem.

I may lack in having an identity but I still have a vision, and the only way I’ll get to it is to keep stepping forward.”

I followed that up with this update.

“It’s weird, 12 months on, I truly felt at times that I not only lost my way but I lost my identity with it.

It’s difficult to truly explain other than imagine waking up and everything you ever knew, you doubted you’ve ever done or trust in yourself that you did.

Like a mind wipe, everything had gone!

Days like this, last year, I couldn’t even imagine getting better, coming full circle and returning to the person I once knew.

But I did!

And I’ll always be truly thankful for being able to do so.”

In reality even reading it back today it’s a great reminder of how far I have come, and will continue to keep going.

I’m still not where I’d like to be life wise and working wise, but I’m lucky, I’ve managed through time and patience to return back to the person I once knew, when hope was merely a word you clinged onto rather than believed in.

A note for myself.

Whenever you feel the fear, just take a breathe and embrace it anyway.

 

New Year, Fresh Start

14 days in, almost half a month down, so how’s that New Year, fresh start doing for you?

For anyone who has experienced depression, anxiety and mental health related illnesses, it’s never that simple, you can’t just decide to stop and simply say, New Year, fresh start.

No matter how much you wish it were to be that simple.

For me, there has been a gradual transition, and for me it would never have come had I not seeked help.

Each and every year I said it would get better, I would be stronger, I wouldn’t allow myself to be dragged down by this darkness.

But each and every year it would catch me back up and take it’s hold over me again.

Again, and again, and again.

No matter what I tried, no matter how I tried to block it out, the voice inside my self conscious always wore me down and it’s voice was always too loud to shut out.

Last year was different, I already spoke out, and opened up, I had already been diagnosed with depression, and even though that voice wasn’t as loud anymore, sometimes it wasn’t even there at all.

All the time I was being asked how I was feeling, and most times I wasn’t feeling anything.

It’s hard to explain at times.

Waking up to a sense of nothingness.

Not caring about anything, not because you didn’t, just because you didn’t have that ability to process your emotions as quickly as you used to be able too.

But this year, more than 12 months on, it’s very different.

It’s very different indeed.

I walked into 2018, a lot like I did in 2017, but unlike with last year being based more so on hope, this year was more on trust.

I trust in myself, and everything that I do, once, many times before I thought I may never be able to do again.

My life is far from where I would like it to be, but it’s within touching distance from that too.

As per my last blog article I spoke about a list of things I would work towards this year, something I did last year too.

And I’ve started this year, how I will go on, for each day forward.

With an inner strength and calmness, with determination and acknowledgement.

Depression is always going to be there, but it’s only here on my terms now.

It’s something that I don’t ever want to lose, it seems a little strange to say that, as it has ruined my life for so many years.

But it’s something that will remind me that not everything that challenges you, you can beat alone.

It will remind me that asking for help is never a weakness, it’s a strength.

It will remind me that even when your faced with your darkest days, with time and patience, your self belief will return and you can and will become stronger.

Depression has changed me.

It’s changed me in ways I never thought could happen.

It’s changed me on how I view my life and on how I view the world around me.

The stereotypical sense of rock bottom allows you to re-evaluate everything in your life, it makes you question everything that you have done, it makes you question all of your hopes and dreams.

And then over time, with that developed patience, you can, like me, and many more, gradually come out the other side.

Feeling better, calmer, safer, stronger, and in reflection able to see a brighter future once again.

It’s not easy.

It’s incredibly tough.

It’s like having your mind erased.

But gradually, gradually, you will find your way back.

In the opening two weeks of this year I would say I’ve achieved, I’ve been struck down with a bug, but I have still progressed most days.

It’s important to back yourself, but just as important to acknowledge yourself too.

It’s not about having detailed plans of things to achieve, it’s about working your way towards a better life, no matter how long it takes.

Timeframes go out of the window, they are no longer important.

If you need or want a down day, you have one, if you need it have two, it’s not a problem.

Don’t put added stresses on yourself, your life is changing, it’s improving, and as long as you can acknowledge your difficulties in your life, take on support when you need it, find patience in yourself when things don’t sit well or feel good, you will feel better for it.

It’s not about what you do every day, it’s about the small steps you take to achieve your ultimate goal.

Time doesn’t matter, but how you feel is everything.

This year for me is many things, but the important one that overrules everything is my own self development.

There’s nothing more important than yourself and your own happiness.

Sometimes you have to hold yourself in a higher regard than you once did.

You need to start putting yourself first, or certainly higher than the bottom of your list.

Value yourself, don’t let people in your life take you for granted, and believe in yourself more.

And never feel guilty for putting your own happiness before others either.

Because when you do, everything else will start falling into place too.

Contentment and Reflection

So from my last post (Christmas Festivities) to this one (Contentment and Reflection), it’s an article I could have written a few days ago but chose not too.

One date centres around my Christmas Festivities and that’s not Christmas Day, not Boxing Day or even New Year.

That date is 27th December.

And if you’ve followed this blog you’ll know without detail it’s been what I would class as my darkness day.

A day that I wrote a year ago that I hoped one day to share but that day won’t be today, it now might be never.

With all key dates you know they are coming, they have significant meaning to them, they recoil so many memories, good and bad, and quite often you become quite transfixed on the significant meaning of them.

This year… not so much.

I’ll always have demons but they are only here on my terms now.

Over the last 12 months and a little bit longer, I have learnt to trust myself again, be confident in the decisions I make are for the right reasons to keep progressing forward.

I knew the date was coming, but I wasn’t anxious, I was surprisingly calm, friends asked me how I was and I replied with a stereotypical answer of “I’m fine” but with intent and belief because that’s what I am.

Over that time I have rebuilt myself from a dark and dispaired existence, to an unrecognisable person even before my own very eyes.

I came across this quote and it’s a good one, I only wished I had written it myself.

“make peace with your broken pieces”

I feel that’s exactly what I have been trying to do my whole life, but all the many years before trying to do that without any instructions, in complete darkness and without the correct tools.

This year, through time, patience, through belief and support and many other contributing factors, I have gradually made steps towards a comeback.

And those steps were probably some of the hardest I’ll ever have to make.

Sometimes forwards, sometimes back, sometimes side to side, but the important thing was never to stop.

I’ve been broke, I’ve been lost, confused, and broken down, and frustrated.

But I’ve finally been able to make peace with my broken pieces by being able to accept my broken pieces.

Life is hard, nobody needs to tell you that, at times it feels like it can be too hard, but it’s always worth the fight.

I’ve written more in this blog over the last few weeks than I have in most of last year, because it’s easier to forget than it is to face it.

Yes, I’ve had depression.

No, it will never define me as a person.

I will probably always have it for the rest of my life, but I have everything in place to counteract it whenever it arises again.

In the next 12 months, these blogs are going to share my story, my thoughts, my emotions, hopefully it will help people, it certainly helps me.

I said 12 months ago that I wanted to write a book highlighting my depression and recovery, and hopefully if it gets picked up by a publisher I can donate all profits back to a mental health charity.

That’s what I’m going to do, I need to write, I need to express my emotions, I need to finish off writing chapter after chapter and then close the book to a significant part of my life, which I will hold deep in my memory as it allowed me to discover who I really was.

I want to support mental health charities and in my case the NHS who listened, supported and gave me a platform to help rebuild my life again.

For all these people who helped to steady me when my whole world caved in I will always be truly grateful.

2018 is a new year but it will never hold any significant meaning, only today holds that for me now, only today.

“Mental Freedom”

Who knew I’d be here!!!

2 articles in 2 days after being away for many weeks.

I was recently asked a question, the question was this;

Did I think I was being passed by because I opened up about depression?

I wholeheartedly hope not.

But, at times I think that maybe true.

There’s no danger that I’ve had an awful 12 months, but had I not opened up, would I be further on than I am now?

When you sit in a bath and the water has already drained away you realise you really need to express what you are feeling and what you are thinking.

2017 is a year that I’ve been through hell.

That pretty much sums it up, but one thing I didn’t want depression to serve me was that it defined me.

And sadly, the more you talk about it, the more you are judged by it.

If you know me, you’ll see a big difference, if you meet me for the first time, you wouldn’t even know.

I’ve changed, depression has changed me, throughout all the darkness and I never wish it to return, i’m good, I’m better.

I see life with my eyes wide open…

I observe, I reflect, I take everything in.

But I didn’t expect to be judged for the rest of my life for opening up about an illness I had no control over.

Yes, I chose to speak out!!!

But I chose to speak out because it helped my recovery.

I spoke out because it needed to be said.

I spoke out because someone had too.

I spoke out to show others that we deserve to be heard.

We’ve done nothing wrong, apart from living with our demons for too long.

What am I looking for?

An opportunity, it really is that simple, to gain a footing back on which I can gain some control back in my life.

One that I think that is really starting to hold me back because I am that honest.

That I am that brave.

Is it worth it anymore…

Is it worth it…

Is being true to who you are worth it?

If it’s holding you back?

Should you play the system, or should you always be true to who you are!?!

Me!!!

And one day I may come to regret it, but, you should always remain true to who you are.

My life is coasting and I don’t like it, I hate it.

I hate not having any control.

I hate not having any routine.

I hate not having any structure.

Nigh on 12 months on, did I honestly think I’d be where I am now?

Not a chance in the world.

Don’t get me wrong I’m in a much better place, a place had I not gone through what I have gone through I would never understand, never appreciate, never reflect on, never move forward.

I’m better, and that has come through hard work, commitment, time, patience, trust, willing, support.

All I need, all I deserve is a chance to prove myself.

Otherwise, getting better, for speaking out, for being open, it has all been for nothing.

And as much as I have to believe things will improve, and become better, the life I feel I’m so ever close too that can take me to having a great life, that maybe just fingertips away, may well just be a step too far.

I don’t normally tag songs to anything that I write on here but this sits well with me.

“Mental Freedom”

‘Iron Sky’ – Paulo Nutini

If you are looking for a new employee, I really hope you will consider me?

https://andrewcorryblog.wordpress.com/2017/11/27/why-hire-me/