What’s up?

The reason why I write and release so many honest thoughts is it helps, me that is.

It isn’t for you to understand, maybe relate for some, others to be thankful it’s not you.

Depression effects me daily, I have to live with it for the rest of my life.

I think that’s the part that many don’t understand.

Imagine an alcoholic, would you say to them go on just have one drink you’ll be fine and then they disappear back into their turbulent cycle and you wonder how that happened.

With depression, for most in society, you are either really bad or your better.

It simply isn’t the case.

For me, at the moment, emotionally I’m not great but I am starting to come out of the other side and gain some strength back.

I don’t want to be around people.

I don’t want to have to face them when my emotions aren’t in check and uncontrollably cry in front of them.

Resulting in a question of what’s up or are you alright and have nothing within my answer to reply with.

I don’t want to talk to them.

Because where do I start and what do I say?

It’s great that people ask if I want to talk about it, equally it must frustrate them when I choose not too.

Now answer me one question, how do you talk about something that you can’t explain?

I don’t want people to ask questions with smirks on their faces like what I’m feeling and suffering isn’t something to be concerned about.

It’s a concern for me, but I’ve been here before and I will be again and again.

December is a tough time for me, but I have to learn to try and find some peace with events that took place.

Sometimes I’m okay, not good, just not bad.

In the years that have gone by I tend to do one of three things on that anniversary.

Soul-search or hide away.

Tee off with the drink.

Or work on my passions.

My passions have taken an abrupt stop and although I love each one, I don’t know when I’ll return to any of them.

Alcohol, I don’t drink like I used to anymore, I used to drink to numb the pain, but now I rarely drink if I’m not feeling level.

But on the more special occasions maybe I just need to say to myself, not tonight and ignore the judgements.

As for soul-searching and staying in my safe haven, I feel calm here, maybe too calm at times and I have to relearn to live my life, with new anniversaries and better memories.

I don’t expect anyone to understand because you won’t, parts of it I don’t understand, the hidden traumas that I still must block out.

One day I hope I’ll have the courage to be able to talk it all out in person, but I don’t know if I ever will.

It’s a debilitating illness, one I don’t stereotype myself under as an illness of such but it is.

I was reminded maybe a year ago that I’m in a constant battle with my own mind and the inner strength I must have to deal with that on a daily basis is something to be proud of and not be ashamed of.

Depression is a part of my life, just as that one suicide episode was, it haunts me because it was too close and as my life evolves it reminds me of what I would have missed out on, as much as the pain before those moments almost drove me to end it all.

27th December 2011 – I have to finally put you to bed and move on with my life, a painful memory it might be, a day, a night I’ll never forget, but I need to find my way of finding peace with it all.

Thank you for your concern and your thoughts, I know people care and ask about me.

I don’t push people away or ignore them intentionally, I do it because it’s how I best cope, just as the writing allows me to structure it all down and get an emotional release out.

All you need to know is I’m going to be alright.