Sitting with my thoughts, playing everything over and over in minor detail.
At this point 11 years ago suicide wasn’t even in my thought process but I was really struggling and it seemed no one understood me as I hid that part of my life so well.
Tomorrow is always my hardest day.
People mourn a loss of what loved ones have missed out on.
I mourn a loss whereby I see everything that I have gained, yet the emotional pain of it all, especially that night will always trouble me.
I’m a lot stronger than people often give me credit for.
I have had my problems and some of those still overshadow me at times.
But I face up to each one daily and through my own vulnerability, courage and bravery speak openly about each one and no longer hide.
As hard as each one are to read, be thankful you don’t live it, just as I’m thankful that I’m still around to adjust my course of existence.
Waking up eleven years ago but in reality hardly sleeping at all, I was paranoid, mentally tired, frustrated and angry, more so at myself than anything or anyone.
Why did I feel like this!?!
My mind constantly ticking.
I wanted to be on my own as my mask was starting to slip and I did everything I could to hide it, not only to protect myself but to protect everyone else from the depths of darkness.
The night before being at a family party filled with cousins, brothers and alcohol.
Playing up to the audience whilst slowly dying inside my own mind.
Arriving home my overnight bag was dropped and remained for days on my living room floor.
Heading into the kitchen for beer and returning with not only more cans than I could drink at once, but a bottle of whiskey too.
My mind was spiralling and deep in a blackest of black colour.
Tormented by my own thoughts that I was constantly letting people down and not being good enough for anyone, at least of all myself.
I needed all the pain to stop.
The alcohol was there to block it out.
The whiskey to hopefully help me to pass out.
Your demons can’t get at you whilst you sleep, they just stop you sleeping and torture you whilst you’re awake.
But that wasn’t going to be the case today.
At this same point, suicide wasn’t in my thought plan, but chatter I was having with myself was maybe everyone would be better off if I wasn’t here or didn’t exist.
Having been in Australia the year before, thoughts about not returning home could have been a better solution for me and for everyone else.
Failed relationships and romances, no direction in my life other than going out all the time and spending money, drinking to block everything out.
Being completely misunderstood by everyone and it was easier for everyone to think I was a let-down than it was to open up and admit I was struggling but not knowing why.
Your whys explain your truths but without your why no one understands, not even you.
As the hours wore on I was drinking even more heavily to shut down my mind.
Dark thoughts constantly telling me I held no worth to anyone.
Rewinding back on every failure.
Playing out in my mind in detail.
And then the unknown depression twisting its knife to make it seem worse than it was.
Still suicide wasn’t in my thoughts.
Playing the day back almost in real time it was at this point whereby I was considering ending my life.
The coffee table was scattered with empty cans, the bottle of whiskey close to empty.
Music was blaring from my television to muffle the constant crying and emotional pain that escaped me.
My neighbours probably half wondering what was going on but it was Christmas after all.
My mind going back and forth and me desperately trying to hold on.
By this point my mind albeit dark was clear, all I wanted was the pain that had built up inside of me to stop.
I had made my mind up.
At this point, although in an emotional overload and constantly fighting with myself, I had a presence of mind to say goodbye through text messages, doing it in a way that no one spotted anything untoward.
I didn’t want anyone to always wonder.
Even though they always would.
Each and every reply made me cry even more tears.
Uncontrollable, mind numbing tears.
But my darkened mind had clouded my judgement and there was no going back now.
Just a feeling of numbness of what I was about to carry out.
Still drinking to numb the pain, back and forth I went from my home to my garage, meticulously opening and locking doors as I went.
Hoping not to bump into anyone that may have unsettled my plan.
I went back and forth hundreds of times.
I can’t possibly describe the anguish I felt, I still can’t.
In the days after I hardly moved, I didn’t speak to anyone, replied to an odd message.
Totally numb.
I carried that night for over 5 years without a soul knowing until I had my breakdown 6 years later.
It is a day that will always haunt me, a day I will always remember in the finest of details.
A day that changed my life.
Both for the better and for the worse.
The worst because it would have been an anniversary for many more than just myself.
27th December 2011.
Life might be hard, but trust me, it can get better.
Black behind my eyes 