Too often I start these articles with a statement that I don’t write enough in here, and once again here I am again.
Brutally honest I don’t.
I know I don’t.
I first started writing these articles because it gave me some sort of release.
It gave me an opportunity to get out all of my emotions when my mind wanted to keep my thoughts in.
To continue to keep controlling me.
I lost my way a long time before it too, hiding amongst a life of uncertainty.
Unable to understand or process any of the thoughts I had which constantly swirled around my mind.
I often describe depression as this:
Imagine going to bed this evening, and waking up in the morning and everything that you once knew you weren’t certain on anymore.
Like a mind blank.
I have to say because I have experienced it, it’s the worst illness I think people can experience.
And believe me, it can blindside anyone at any time.
I used to be normal and in control.
And when I say normal, I mean unaffected.
Happy.
Content.
Ambitious.
I’ve changed in 4 years and depression and my mental health has played a huge part in that during that time.
For some good reasons in retrospect and some unbelievably heart aching, painful moments too.
When I look in the mirror I can see the person staring right back has been through some tough times and some almighty challenges.
I can also see the cheekiness within the make up of his character, that he has always had.
People often say “you’ve changed”
Thanks for the observation, your right I have.
Depression does that.
It strips away everything you once were, once enjoyed, and controls your mind like a force that can’t really be explained.
I have changed.
I understand life and the world better than I ever did once before.
I open my eyes and I see things differently.
I don’t react to dramas in the same way anymore, because they just aren’t worth it.
Whatever happens in your life, from small dramas to big ones, everything will sort themselves out.
Just trust yourself to make the right decisions for you at your right times.
I need to write more…
But I also need to remember why I’m writing too.
Black behind my eyes was a description I used and still use to some regard on what depression felt and feels like to me.
I’ve heard many refer depression to a black dog, that has never resonated with me, still to this day it doesn’t.
And that’s what depression is, it’s different for everyone.
Everyone has insecurities.
Some manage them better than others.
I certainly did.
From someone who felt so in control of life, this illness took its opportunity to consume me, and the worst thing is I let it.
I didn’t know I had depression, not for many years.
I knew there was something not right.
An overwhelming sadness but no tears, yet a lot of anger and frustration that used to build up.
4 years on, I’m in control again.
And when I say 4 years, I don’t actually know if it is 4 years or 3 years, I think it’s 4 at the end of this month.
But it doesn’t matter, it happened.
I’m lucky that I found the help, long after a period of time when I probably first needed it.
I used to hide things, even trying to convince myself that I was fine when in reality I really wasn’t.
My thoughts were it would always get better, when in reality it was always going to get worse.
Like riding a wave in the ocean, and then you drift out a little more and the next wave is bigger than the last and takes you under, gasping for air and riding it out until the next one hits.
Swimming but never getting closer to the shore where your place of safety was.
I need to write more…
I need to use these articles as a way of continuing to clear my head.
Reading this back it sounds like I’m not alright, but trust me I am.
I placed an image at the very start of this article and like many of these articles the things I wanted to say I often have to come back too.
Manhealth are a mental health support group supporting men across the North East to open up about mental health.
I’ve not been to any of their sessions but I have heard good reports from people who have.
Being in an understanding network of people who live it, helps.
I’ll talk to anyone if it helps them.
From the person who suffers to family and friends who have questions and don’t know how to approach them or looking to understand.
Mental Health Awareness Day is this Thursday, maybe this is the reason why I feel a little subdued.
It’s important to talk, but it’s even more important that society listens and understands.
I’m totally back and forth in this article and for it I apologise, it flows in a messy kind of way.
Back again to Manhealth, they approached me a few weeks ago and asked for my permission to post links to this blog, as they think it might help to support other men who have or are going through depression.
It’s an honour for them to ask, if it can help anyone or help someone understand the illness more its so beneficial.
Talking helps, but the world needs to listen and not just for one day.
Ask people how they are, and then ask them again.
Too many people use the word fine, when really they are not.
Ask twice and listen to their replies.
Mental Health matters and not just for the individuals who suffer, don’t just be someone who shares a post on Thursday, be that person who is there.
Please remember to always ask twice!
Black behind my eyes 