Preconceptions

Every entry I make on here I always state that I should write more.

I feel at my most free’d after I write and get everything out of my head.

But having once written in the moment especially within here I feel restricted to keep doing that anymore.

I don’t know why that is.

Life for me is better overall, last night I seeked out some counselling, that was the first time I’ve spoken to a professional in that field since I had counselling after first being diagnosed with depression back in 2016.

Back then I recall the anxiety of it all, stepping into the unknown, talking about all of my feelings, emotions and a build up of life.

To coming out drained.

Sleeping for 24 hours and more.

And then trying to make any sense of it all and fearing going back until all of a sudden it did start making sense.

Back then all it took was 3 sessions, and although last night was an informative chat, I seeked that conversation out because I felt I needed it.

Not because I felt I was slipping back, because I know I’m growing forward and it’s important to keep levelling off.

The chat was all it really was, I realised before I even attended the answers to all of my questions.

Like writing more within here, as hard as I seem to find it at the moment I need to find a way to do it, and do it regularly.

I need to look back, right back to the start to remember, to reassure myself, to acknowledge how much I’ve grown and take personal pride of that.

Each entry that I’ve written tells its own story, but together it tells me my own.

I need to read them.

I’ve read them before, some I’ve read more than once, but I can’t remember the last time I’ve read them in order, but by doing so I may just find the answers I’m clearly looking for.

Last night was informative and helpful, I fully expected to feel wiped out afterwards, and go home and sleep until my alarm, but I didn’t.

In one sense I felt calm, and in another I felt quite lost, and I haven’t felt lost for a long time.

And this is probably a good time to explain the title of preconceptions.

The real frustrating part of my life of which I mentioned last night is this.

The preconceptions that life has hold of you.

You should never worry about what other people think, but sometimes you can’t help it either.

I get asked every single day off every single person who knows me “How are you?”

It’s partly a how are you in a friendly nature but with a lying undertone of but are you?

Even though I’m through depression, I feel like I can’t publically say I’m having a bad day anymore.

Because the label that is on me drives the depression tag.

Everyone has bad days.

Another preconception is once you feel better and can carry on with your life again, that means you are fixed.

Wrong.

Each morning when you wake up, you have to make a slight adjustment to your internal settings.

I know my triggers, not in a sense of individually knowing what they are, but knowing that when that first pang of anxiety hits, I now know I need to adjust or stop, before the bigger waves come crashing down and take me out completely.

Depression will always be a part of my life, for all the darkness, uncertainty and sheer pain it has also galvanised me into the person who has managed to find a way through it.

But not without sacrifices.

You change completely, your life to how you once lived is stripped right back to its core.

I’ve mentioned before, it’s like going to bed and then waking up not knowing who you are anymore, the memories you have are clouded and don’t feel real anymore.

You are completely lost in your own mind, and believe me it’s so, so tough to try and find a way back.

Another thing I am asked a lot about more currently than anything is what is going on in my life.

My job, my hobbies.

And if I am enjoying it?

My answer is very much reserved, I go quiet, I ponder my answer, I pause, I suppose.

It sounds to the person who asked that I’m probably not.

But it’s not that, I just don’t allow myself to get overexcited any more, and that’s not every time, because I know I do, but as I’m growing again and looking to level off, and continue to keep levelling off, I don’t want my emotions to get in the way.

I’ve been meaning to write on here for weeks, my last entry was in May.

I came home last night and thought about writing to clear my head, but my words just didn’t form.

And it really frustrates me when I can’t, as like I said I feel free once I have done, so here’s hoping it has the right effect on me today.

Right here, right in the moment I’m laid in bed, the sun has been streaming in through my window ever since I penned the first word.

Today is going to be a good day, and not because the sun is shining, it’s because I’m alive, and life is all about living.